Nothin' but something emotional
[ Home ]So it's basically nothing, but you all know that it is the National Day and we are all on holiday.
Sometimes when I look into Wechat, I see my classmate's faces,I see them smiling and going out with their middle school friends and I… I "envy" them.
I don't know what others think of me, as a classmate or as a normal friend or a BFF or anything. I've probably never thought of them seriously as a real frinlend because I am just a "backup" to them. I was, I am, and I will be. I know that.
No matter how people tell me that they always felt like BFFs with me or anything, that's the thing they will say in front of me.
I would like to be invited out to play, to have a meal with almost everyone. I've tried to invite others, but for this and other reason they can't come. I… understand that. But I still feel seriously empty and lonely for no reason at all.
Family isn't the way I expected it to be. My dad still got mad for no issue at all, and all I think of him is a complete asshole. …Yes, even though he is my father, I still do NOT appreciate him.
I know he has Hyperthyroidism to deal with. I can understand that he is struggling with his illness, but I can't stand the way he talks or acts. I can't stand the way he yells at mom and tell her to fuck off when she is taking care of him all the time, traveling between to houses. Well, his temper is always that bad, and this illness just makes it worse than ever.
I felt like a puppet in the store against the window for people to see. Everytime I was taken out to have meals with people I have never seen by my dad, and when they talk about my school… boy was he proud. I saw the laughter Iingering on his face. I saw the joy and pride in his eyes.
But. I will never forget the disgust he showed to me when I was at my lowest points during my study.
Never mind. I'm still feeling awful
this can be seen as a diary. Sorry if I brought negative energy to anyone who sees this.
Gotta go to sleep. I still have a math class tomorrow to deal with.
Goodnight.