darkness and the saviour
[ Home ]Li Cu doesn’t remember the first time he cried because of the dark, but he does remember his younger self breaking down every time his father threw him into the storage room for punishment. Especially after his mother’s death.
She died when Li Cu was too young – he can’t remember her face. Nor her voice. Nothing reminds him of her. He only vaguely recalls shadows of someone lovingly caressing his face, or gently ruffling of his hair. There was only a single memory that remained vivid; that warm, warm touch, soothing him, hugging him as he lay shivering under the protection of his blankets, fearful of monsters who hide in the dark waiting to gobble him up.
“Don’t worry, I’m by your side.” Mother will always stay by you, caring for you.
After she’s gone – taken too soon – Li Cu quickly learned his father would never embrace him like she did. In fact, he used the knowledge to punish his only son. That’s probably why he never feels safe with his father, Li Cu mused. He remembers the way he stiffened, pulse racing, palms sweating, every time his dad got angry with him. Will I be pushed into the storage room again? How long can I stay inside? Will the monsters come for me this time?
His tolerance of the dark deteriorated over time.
The first time he was forced into the cold, musty room, he was 6, if he wasn’t mistaken. He didn’t really notice the darkness, just curious of the new surroundings. He rummaged around in the boxes and played with the brooms. After some time only did he realize the door was locked. From the outside. Li Cu banged on it with his little fists. “Dad? Can I come out now?” Silence. “Dad?”
Suddenly the darkness, the small space, everything rushed over him. Trembling, tiny Li Cu tried again. “Daddy? Are you there?” Still silence. He then recalled his father’s words as the man pulled on his arms, half-dragging him from the kitchen to the storage room. “You’ll stay in there until you learn not to do that again. Not to make me angry again. Not to mention your mother again!” Oh.
“Dad, I promise- I promise not to ask where Mum is! Let me out, please!” The ominous darkness pushed unto his shoulders. He didn’t dare to look around anymore, desperately staying by the door, grasping at the sliver of light pouring in between the door and the floor, teeth chattering. Li Cu stayed there for five hours, curled up, sobbing, until his father finally – finally – opened the door with an expectant frown. Apparently he had left to get groceries and drink at the pub down street. Nevertheless, Li Cu was glad to leave.
The second time he was in that god-forsaken room (he failed his Mathematics test), he tried to endure. By the second hour he was already wailing uncontrollably, body shaking, constantly scratching at the door. His father was in at home that day, and quickly let him out to shut him up. Li Cu had barrelled out from the room as soon as the door opened and sought comfort from his blankets again. During those recovery moments did he really, really, really miss his mother.
“Don’t worry, I’m by your side.” She’s not.
Long story short, the storage room was a very effective method in getting Li Cu to do whatever his dad wanted, or to punish him for being rebellious. Mark his words, he didn’t hate his father (why would he have gone on that wild goose chase with crazy Wu Xie and his friends in the goddamn desert if not to make sure his father was safe) but Li Cu was often glad his father often worked long nights and out-of-district. Less punishments, definitely.
He started alcohol and smoking early too. His circle of friends was not really the ‘good, studious leaders of the future’ type. Wait, but Su Wan was studious, but not clever. Uh, Yang Hao’s a leader too… but of a gang? And good… Li Cu’s a good boy, right? Bah. Whatever it is, Li Cu appreciated Su Wan and Yang Hao’s acceptance of him, before and after going to the desert, ignoring the rough spat they had in the middle of their adventure. Hey, changes are inevitable! They weren’t going to be innocent boys caught up in a perfect world, seamless adventure forever.
He frequently got up to trouble with them too, but Su Wan’s money and both Li Cu and Yang Hao’s street smarts managed to save them many times. Often he returns home late, back after a street brawl or a betting game, to a disapproving look from his dad, but the old man couldn’t find fault to scold or punish him for, smoothly covered up, so he managed to escape the torture of the gloomy storage room.
At age 19 he still was pretty terrified of the dark. Especially the darkness that comes with enclosed spaces. The feeling of something, someone, just watching you from a corner; the crushing atmosphere of the closed walls… it was Li Cu’s biggest fear.
Suddenly he was there, in a fucking tomb. Underground palace, or whatever shit that place is. It was so. Dark. The walls! Oh my god, the walls… Li Cu feels dizzy, short of breath. He can’t fucking do this. In front of him was darkness. Behind him was more darkness. To his left and right were grimy walls, enclosing him into this wretched space they call a hallway. What’s the purpose of these bloody statues blocking this hallway and making it more narrow huh?!
A significant lump rising within the cavity of his throat, tears began to prick from the corner of his eyes. Li Cu was doomed, there was no hope; those were the very last thoughts that she could perceive before his body succumbed to the breakdown. He couldn’t hear, couldn’t see, couldn’t feel anything – only drowning in the numbing darkness.
He can’t breathe there’s no air it’s too dark I can’t see no I can’t do this too dark no air too narrow I hate this i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared I can’t do this let me run away let me run away let me run away I DON’T WANT TO THIS I CAN’T BREATHE IT’S TOO DARK NO AIR –
“What's up with you?" A gentle voice roused him from his spiral into fear. He opened his eyes (when did he close them?) and saw Wu Xie looking at him, slight worry between his eyebrows. Li Cu struggled to take a deep breath, glaring hatefully at him. "I told you I have claustrophobia. You just had to take me to this terrible place."
Wu Xie huffed and looked around. They were already left behind by the rest of the explorers. The beams of their flashlights couldn't illuminate their surroundings well, but Wu Xie knew the others weren't too far away, and however slow both of them walked, they still could catch up.
Li Cu kept his eyes trained on Wu Xie's stern face. At least something he can see, there's somebody else here, I'm not going to die alone here -
"So close your eyes." A gloved hand passed over his eyes. Li Cu automatically obeyed. Breathe in, breathe out. His hands were clenched tightly into fists by his side, an obvious indication of the strain and stress he was in at the moment. Suddenly he felt the gloved hand take his wrist, pulling him along, telling him to walk. Move forward.
"Follow me. No need to be afraid." Wu Xie's confident voice echoed in the narrow hallway. It resonated within Li Cu's scattered mind, a harsh yet kind command for him to get a grip, you're safe, keep calm. He can feel the warmth radiated by Wu Xie; comforting.
It really reminded him of his mother.
“Don’t worry, I’m by your side.”
Well. He can't help but trust Wu Xie from now on, can he?
Bonus :
Li Cu sits at his desk in the Forest Rescue Centre, head cradled in his hands, empty eyes trained onto nothing in particular.
Suddenly he raises his head and began to howl.
"Fucking dumbass Wu Xie, you've gone destroying a tomb again?! Now it's up to ME to re-excavate it?! It's by the fucking sea too! I'm not the coast guard!! Literal bloody hell, what the fuck?!!! Whenever you return, I better request a home restraint order so that you won't go around destroying shit like this again!!!! How in the world did I believe in your plans that time?!"
His subordinates outside his office was surprised by the loud outburst by their boss, but they quickly shrugged it off. It's a normal occurrence anyway; the phrase "destruction caused by Wu Xie" was a common stamp on their documents and files. Heck, they have a whole shelf or two documenting every single one of them.
One of the newer boys tapped another co-worker on the shoulder. "Err, brother, is there anything wrong with the boss?" The older man waved him off while chuckling. "No, there's nothing to worry, it's just his father-figure causing troubles again!" "How is that... not a problem?"
The senior sighed. "Well, the boss looks like that, but he actually cares for that Wu Xie guy a lot. We've met him before; cool guy, doesn't seem accident-prone, but there you go, he destroys an average of three tombs every year." Seeing the new boy's disbelieving face, he chuckled again. "Whatever it is, Boss Li trusts Wu Xie and doesn't really mind cleaning up the guy's messes. He's proud that Wu Xie relies on him, and he's become a man who the whole archaeology and excavation industry can trust. It's a long story, boy! A story of the sands, if you will."
The new boy nods, albeit confusion still showing on his face.
From behind the glass door separating Li Cu's office and the main workplace however...
"DAMN YOU WU XIE!!!!!" Don’t worry, I’m by your side.