Truancy
[ Home ]I listened to the clicking sound of bus absentmindedly, thinking my stupid wiping tears may be funny enough to the other passengers. Actually, I myself feel pathetic and shameful for my behavior. It’s ten o’clock in the morning, with the city just beginning to operate as usual, while a loser walked slowly to the school gate and can’t help choking herself as soon as she came out. The outside seems monotonous with the September sun shining lifelessly, but still strong enough to drench people through.
Looking back to the past whole year, what I can only see is countless pain. It seems apparently that I feel this way because I failed some competitions and exams while many of my competitors who I considered weak before got success, but that’s not the true reason. I admit that it’s partly right, but only for the humanity aspect that we human race have an instinct of beating others and getting better. Apart from this, there’s nothing left to explain my pain. I know myself quite well, and I don’t believe the appraise people give me that I’m competitive and vulnerable to failure. I was confused before like others, wanting to find out the deepest reason why I lead such a tough life. And recently, strictly speaking, yesterday I just figured out. It’s quite simple, but we barely see the point because we have the least knowledge of ourselves. So the reason is what I’m endeavoring for is not I’m eager for. I try to get good grades because others push me in this violent combat while I’m not that enthusiastic about fortune and fame. I came up with a saying from Wilde: The supreme vice is shallowness. That’s quite true, for visible vice can be detected and punished very soon, but shallowness, the invisible crime can not be identified till the huge negative impact has been piled up for years. I’m now feeling that I’m a minority prophet trapped in a marsh created by mindless majority, or, in a more precise word, tempted and forced by the majority who have been trapped but haven’t realized the situation ever since. The basic mechanism is like this: People’s original passion has been put out since the day they are born; and they will be taught of those RIGHT moralities and rules through their adolescence and eventually become biotic PRODUCTS. They can be quite useful, because the lack of opinions of their own just fit the social needs. Most jobs don’t need individualized people because they may be high maintenance and may not be loyal to their bosses. So, in this way, those with special personalities become deserted, and unfortunately, I’m one of them.
Let me go back to explain the failure I first mentioned. We had an important physics competition, and I didn’t get a good prize. To tell the truth, I’m not struck by not getting the first prize but by some other classmates getting it. I know it seems selfish, but I’m sure all human beings will feel the same way when they are in this situation. I’m always honest, and can’t bear when people lie to me with a fake ugly smile, but most time they do. They want to maintain an illusion of friendly atmosphere while it’s impossible for people wise like me. So when I saw them looking at me with the ugly grin, pretending to be sympathetic and trying so hard to hide their complacence, I wanted to puke. I couldn’t bear a single minute, and I was having a bad cold, so I went home, and the upper scene happened right then.
I was cherishing the hope of suicide to end up all the absurdity, but when I took up the knife and put it on my wrist I couldn’t stop trembling like a total coward. All my courage was gone in a second. I thought of leaving home as well, but resting in bed and watching movies took all my impulse away. Now I’m still the same, sitting still without expression, wondering what I can do to kill time in this truanting afternoon, and how to live through tomorrow.